2011 will be yet another year of ongoing changes. I dare not imagine what is going to happen, I dare not speak too soon, I've one more month to make my decision and gawd this is harder than it seems. as much as I would like to escape from this place I have no courage to take this first step and for the first time I will be leaving everything else behind and when I say this, I really mean everything. everything. it could be the perfect getaway.. who knows.

-ljunhui

when you've got a secret

then you've got to keep it

when you've got a question

answers will come, answers will come

now we all know the words were true in the sappiest songs (yes, yes)

I'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep

they're just shuffling the sheets, they toss and turn

(you can't begin to get it back)

it was prom, then postprom. nothing pleasant happened that night and sorry's not an excuse. everything you did could well be chucked off as words that contradict, displaying actions which spoke volumes. living in your own assumptions putting people on hold, thinking that everything will turn out fine when it's not, thinking that you have your time to play your game wishing the rest will follow but no that's not it. you were not honest right from the start so that gives me no reason to be sorry over whatever there is right now. you are a disappointment seriously, disappointment over anger. you will know the right things to do the right words to say the next time, hopefully.

then it was polo trip, which fueled my emotions to the max capacity on top of previous events. I'm not a toy and I'm not playing your game hello? there's nothing for me to gain nothing for me to lose at the end of the day, you're just slowly exposing what kind of person you are like.

anw next up would be: rehearsal for christmas scv/kl's baking day/musical/christmas/buffet w family/phTT fish&co/kbox w 2I/polo dinner/manasseh bowling

then I'll start working by then hopefully. need to do meaningful things, snug in starbucks/coffeebean and read The Memory Keeper's Daughter, play my piano, fix broken things mend tired hearts, soak in solitude, shut away from unpleasant words, put on sweaters for heart's safe-keeping, spend time with people I love, walk down lonely streets, remembering the quaint old days, get reminded of life's best things, find uplifting moments in conversations, realisation that we can't exist in certain ways, translate thoughts into actions, let the mirth breathe, keep magic things in reach, indulge in weightless freedom, stand by the sidewalks to relive good days, getting over the waiting games, not let days become burdens, find satisfaction in life and find joy in everything that comes along the way

on another note I can't wait to work! $10/45mins I think it's not bad to start off with alr although my mum feels that I should find a better one tsk. tmr's prom! I hope nice food would be served.

I'm sorry

/edit

the whole afternoon/night was spent talking, to nghan then jiangjun, close to 5hours of talking 0 hours of studying. it was great I don't know why but it just felt as if As were over and we had all the time in the world to just sit down and talk for hours. what I hated was the reaction people give when they see you and another guy talking, they give that 'oh I see that something's going on right there' kind of face er..... how old alr? I don't know when was the last time I did sth like that (quote jj) which is so true right? sadly I've got one more week to go, I can only hope that whatever I study will come out for my last two papers and not turn out to be some crappy chem-like paper which really made me feel like a retard wasting so much time studying for it. persevere!

8 more days to As, not prepared AT ALL and yeah I know I'm still doing chem tys when everyone's telling me not to do so because it's just stupid and a waste of time but this just proves that I need to finish this up since I don't know how to do tys qns still?! I'll probably get stuck at every qn if I were to attempt the prelim papers. and then my GP, I think it died alr? as well as cse? and my math is dying too? so yes, I'm starting to panick alr when it's down to single digits, the reality is finally sinking in sighhh

I've got to do 6 sets of 1000 words write up for my dipLT programme notes before my dip which I predict will be not long after my As since my sister's one is on 2nd dec and okay this just means no play for me after my papers but another round of preparing for this major thing and making sure I do this right and get my cert by hook or by crook if not I'm gonna be so crushed no one can save me. need to practice piano ugh so stress why like that?!

more of Him, less of me. yes that's it.

I'm such a selfish bitch, like not being able to decide properly and think properly at times and end up doing things that doesn't speak of myself. like yknw....... letting the mind control everything when those thoughts are just brainwashing you?

anw! 2 days ago my mum came all the way to school to bring lunch for me knowing that I'm hungry and I won't bother getting food for myself. I love her so much.

anyway I've been studying nothing else but chem for the past few days, 17 more days to chem p3 and I still don't know my basics wow great sucha noob still. some teacher said "do not try, for trying opens to failure. just do it" yes just do it whether you like it or not, you don't have a choice do you? it's going to be over soon.

my sister is going to Shanghai in a few hours time to perform and she's gonna meet langlang and liyundi uhhh lucky or what. today she had her last piano performance in SOTA, didn't go watch her I had to study so badly ugggh well, proud of her and I wish her achievement will push me hard enough to do well for my dip in dec ah freak another thing that bothers me all the time

so many things going on, don't know how to react really. it's like putting your heart on a weighing balance and watching the scale go down each day. life is not that bad actually, if you know how to handle it that is.

The heart has reasons that reason cannot know. -Blaise Pascal

it just seemed like yesterday when we said goodbye and you walked away the way you always do. then we pretend that nothing happened and we never knew each other. that's what happens all the time. you find people, then you lose them. and it's those goodbyes, the ones you thought you'd never have to say that hurt the most.

I took out some time to sit down quietly, to write down 'the things I once had' and 'the things I have now'. one was long while the other was pale in comparison. I began to think if I did the right thing again. it hit me that having something halfway it harder than having nothing at all. but you just gotta know that there's no right way to it, there just isn't. as I looked close enough, I realise that surely those were the things that I wish I still had but right now I would gladly choose to let go willingly to trade for things that I've never really given much value to. they worth so much more.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeat with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong, and you really do have worth." -Veronica A. Shoffstall

1. being too tired to function

2. misleading others unknowingly

4. having a song stuck in your head

5. not being able to sleep at a decent hour

6. distance makes fun of people

7. remembering how we used to laugh

8. feeling better after talking to a friend

9. wishing I held on tight enough

10. pretending it's okay when really, it's not

to be honest I feel pointless in studying ever since prelims ended, even more so after getting back my results. people have been telling me that the remaining days left will make a huge difference but.. how much a difference will it make? from U to A? this is so exaggerating but seriously, you got to have the A and Bs to get into uni. I see no hope in chem. I don't see myself putting in considerably amount of effort in it so I can only blame myself for all the shit grades. fuck why did I take chem? why did I even come to jc?

the worst thing is having to feel that you're studying not for yourself but instead trying to meet the expectations that people have of you because disappointing them would be the last thing on your mind. I have no idea how many times I've disappointed them. my mum will always say this, and it makes me feel lousier for not being able to do well: I've never asked you to get all the As back so please don't put so much pressure on yourself, just be responsible for yourself by doing your best and if doing your best still means not being able to achieve the required grades so be it.

how would you feel?

I feel so tired nowadays I can sleep everywhere I go. for the past two weeks I was practically late for school everyday except for yesterday (because I went for GP with yuki at 7AM wow)

sigh okay I shall go read my bible now I need some answers desperately

on one of the nights my aunty and I were talking in her room and I asked her to tell me what exactly happened to my uncle from the time he vomited almost 4 packs of blood and got sent into the ICU for over a week. one thing she was so sure of was that it was God's healing hand that saved him for He is a merciful God. doctors have no idea how he could recover so quickly, no one has any idea why but I know all of us have experienced the power of prayer and seen how God has worked in his life, giving him a chance that is so undeserving. this will be a timely reminder for me to pray without doubting but trusting wholeheartedly and know that He understands all our needs, for whose plan is greater than His?

right now I'm trying to fill up empty spaces in these train of thoughts. I'm sad that I missed rs's farewell party, of all days it had to clash with the trip, I told myself it's alright.... but knowing that he is leaving on Friday and I can't be at the airport thanks to piano playing class which I got to show up by hook or by crook, it's really not that alright anymore.

I'll tell you the truth so close to your lips it'll taste like a lie. it was something that mattered to me, you got to accept that the only thing that works is the truth. just last night I looked back and let my memory take over.

we sat down to talk the other night watching the nothingness through the dark. I wondered what you were thinking about, again. we talked about last year, this year, how things changed and when things changed. you asked me if I was happy or sad. I told you I didn't know. I asked you the same question; you said you were neither. I decided that was okay since I didn't know a single bit about myself. we became silent creatures taking deep breaths of star filled air. things are changing slowly, and so it's okay, it's okay if we lose track of ourselves. let this pass.

last week Sili said sth along these lines "if both are meant to be friends you will remain as friends" and it brought me into another tiny space of beautiful moments that I treasure most.

You're young until you're not

You love until you don't

You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry

You cry until you laugh

And everyone must breathe

Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works

You peer inside yourself

You take things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm

You hope it don't get harmed

But even if it does

You'll just do it all again

by far one of the most beautiful lyrics I've come across

on another note, I should be glad that sheng's leaving on 1st oct and not mid sept. not much a diff but still.. something to remind myself that it's not that bad afterall. I don't feel much these days, or maybe I'm getting used to it already. what can we do? lyd.

4 more hours to the airport! I'm gonna bring my notes to study, the thought of As in 3 months scares me so much I really got to "study till you wanna die that kind of feeling" (quote rach) and yes anw, I miss polo like crazy. I was walking across the ballas bridge the other night when I saw the polo juniors showering outside and it reminded me of how much fun we had together, be it trainings/camps/dinners/showering and all the stupid things that we did, I miss everything so much. play polo together as a team again please!

walk in the rain, smell flowers

stop along the way

build sandcastles, blow bubbles

find out how things work

tell stories, say the magic words

trust the universe

just for now

but do you know that even on a happy day we can still feel a little sad? doesn't help at all when you had to remind me that it is exactly one month away ugh

-Ruby Toosday

is it turning into a burden or some form of inadequacy? will it ever unfold in its own way own time just as how I would picture it to be? I guess you're right, some people are really good are playing mindgames, so well they baffle others yet pull it off so gracefully. it's doesn't feel good when I had to agree that you are some sort of this kind, and with this you make me feel we're both of a different level of frequency. it's just not right. not talking about jealousy right here, it's just inadequacy and not matching up to standards, let alone exceeding them.

and then you said that piano revolves around loneliness. spending time alone is the first thing to do, followed by defeating noise and hearing yourself amidst silence and searching deep within. how long will it take to grasp loneliness and to understand how it feels like to be living in your own world and care less about what affects your state of mind? let it be a constant reminder that your best may never be good enough to the rest, but never let failure sink in to you, you'd only be lying to yourself to make things bearable and before you know it you're going down again.

it sucks, you know. when everything is doing fine, then it crashes again? I really don't want to try anymore but you make me want to put it back together all the same. on other days, everything feels so great. the sky sings pretty songs of love and I can't stop smiling. everything is bright and new and so, so lovely. these moments are so hard to capture.

rs, you said not to regret anything because "at one time it was exactly what you wanted". yes.. so keep going? why is it that the people you love most are the hardest to hold on to? I hate distance, the times you're so far away I wish you were closer. you're one amazing thing and I should be thankful instead of destroying something so beautiful. but I know that in time, this volume of my emotions would be turned down in gentle increments to near quiet, but be sure to know that the record would still spin, always spin.

sometimes I look around a room full of people and try to find out what they're thinking. the way their eyebrows are arched, the look in their eyes, the way they are sitting.. and I try to read their mind. it's weird though, the fact that people are talking in their minds and we can't hear them, and how they could be wondering the same exact thing, "I wonder what everyone else is thinking?" what are you thinking? speak, speak your mind. you're always telling me to open mine what about you?

time together isn't ever quite enough. when we're apart what ever are you thinking of? what will it take to make or break this hint of love? so tell me darling, is this all we ever wanted? always falling into the "I miss.." trap. we can't change what has happened to us, or what will happen to us, but we can change the way we react to it. we can choose to tuck those lost souls into our hearts for safe keeping and continue living in the best ways we know how or we can wear those souls on our sleeves and let them anchor us where we stand. it's amazing, really, just how much pain the human heart can take.

sunday rs and I were at Bishan lib studying but it wasn't productive at all thanks to the couple sitting opposite us, they were behaving so intimately I swear I was so grossed out. the guy's hands were all over the girl they were hugging and snuggling and giggling oh gosh get a hold of yourself dude you're in a library! decided to watch 'The Last Song' (we were real jokers srs I swear) we were such failures we went in only when the movie was about to end?! my fault my fault haha but anw watched it again today it was really good! I realise I cry in every movie I watch why huh. but it's nice all should go catch it heh.

GP is on thurs I think I'm gonna flunk it, I know nothing except for bits and pieces of science and tech which isn't going to get me anywhere. my chem is shit right now I got to start on organic. I still suck at p&c and many many more. music free compo still stuck at the same spot. I've got to memorise my 5 piano pieces by july if not I can kiss goodbye to my uni auditions alr. inter-jc piano duet competition in july plus the songwriting competition also omg (hi nick kang if you're reading this the song how!) cristofori piano competition in nov + alvls sigh tell me how. funny how I have so many things on hand but it gets kind of exciting because I know that somehow I will have to complete all of these but I cannot imagine everything falling into place at all......

on a sidenote, I miss my sister. very much actually.

this is a good start to the week and I hope it'll remain this way at least for the next few days? I have been doing my tutorials, I see some progress.. my music is really screwed though esp the free compo, still stuck at a pathetic 51 sec I think? c'mon give me some inspiration please I got to hit at least 3min by mid June so I'll be able to finish everything by end of the hols and record it and yes I know it's alr mid May can someone tell me why is it so fast?! sometimes I feel that I'm able to do this but looking at the rate things are moving I really doubt my abilities. shall take things slow, got to make this right.

close your eyes, sometimes it helps.

laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.

"I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has alot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost.

We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, the philosophers, heard or grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

Life kicks you around, it scares you it whips you. we face things that are not of our own making but we're here to remove the barriers one by one. along the way one of the things you will discover while trying to convince your subconscious mind to believe in a positive thought is that as soon you manage to bypass an opposing belief you will hit another one. they have to be removed still. but one day you'll realise you're not just a survivor. you're a fighter, you are someone who's tougher than anything that life throws at you. you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. you must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

to my dearest polo girls: we will do this together on Tuesday. never be afraid, never have fear in our eyes. find the drive, pick up the confidence, and to the main people who are playing for almost all quarters, believe in yourself. know that the rest of us will be behind you. rmb the three main points: talk more, fight hard, and most importantly, be happy.

today will be my last time crying over this I swear, it's too tiring and I feel like I've let many people down. I have and I know it. give me a chance to make this all right. I've been carrying this for way too long.. it will be over very very soon. everything was fine when I went for tabletennis until ong popped out. I knew it wouldn't be something good if not why will he come all the way up to find me? he said less than 5 sentences and I broke down. that feeling of guilt is not good at all.. I wish I could go somewhere and not have to feel. everybody's messing up lets not talk about how. thank you guys for asking if I'm okay and sorry if I scared anyone but yup I'm fine now everything's alright.

remember, the hands that hold the world are the hands holding your heart. light will only shine out from the heart that holds on. and when everything falls apart He will carry you.

Dong told me that shit happens, deep shit happens and this time it's my turn. only one more week left what do you want still? seriously.. get a life. so much backstabbing and you're so fake I really mean it, I wish I could read your mind. just let me go.. have a little more trust in me will you?

I'm slowly drained out from the overload of school work, music to be precise. all thanks to the irresponsible teacher that doesnt teach, not marking all my composition works that I did, thinking that we have so much time left to cover the syllabus which is totally absurd looking at how much undone work we have on hand. Alvl results are out and the music seniors did so badly it makes me scared. but my mum was so much more agitated than I am she called the principal and I'm gonna see her next week. neverending problems. school's not treating me good at all. but who am I to make such a comment? it's a reflection of myself on how irresponsible I am. still figuring out why things had to come to this point, never like that before it makes me wonder why am I like that. it's scary. but you'll never be able to earn the trust of others like that, its agreeable that we only look at people on the surface and judge them from there, how many times have we ever put ourselves in their shoes and spared a thought for them? and maybe I can only play/compose songs that are deep is because I have no ability to churn out any happy tunes, it doesnt say anything about me at all. yes life is just like that, it flips you upside down you'll find it hard to get back up and after a few times of that you'll just tell yourself it's alright, I'd rather lie down here than having to go through all of these again.

the dream maker's gonna make you mad

the spaceman says "everybody look down, it's all in your mind"

so true baby so true, it's the mind. right now I'm feeling tired mentally with too many things going through my mind but I'm really thankful for everything that has happened and is to come. I shall not get my hopes too high but I know things are going my way, my life is so much better now. I'm happy. I thank God for certain people He has placed in my life, never will I ever forget how much they impacted my way of thinking into matters and how I began to pluck up courage to face them. because all along the path you've chosen is not a one-way thing, change is all we need. love all of you you know who you are!

I will get through this just a little bit of time left, never close your own doors unless it closes onto you. and with this I will hang on. oh and yes today during math tut we watched this video of Benjamin Zanker and it really swept me over. cant help but agree, Classical Music never dies. sorry too heavy a dose of music composition these few days I'm labeled as the taugay girl now haha. anw here's the video, it really brings you to a whole new level of understanding towards Classical Music I really loved it.

what you do is only half of what makes you happy, the other half is who you spent it with. above all, don't lie to yourself. the man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. and having no respect he ceases to love. don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.

for the past 3 days I've been writing to my secret friend Gepetto and whenever I receive his letter each morning it will never fail to brighten up my day a little. there's nothing to be afraid of when you write that note. you can write about anything, everything.. I'll be so glad if I have a secret friend to write to for the rest of the year but I guess this ends here.

I wanted to do the valentines gift and stuff but I can't get any creative juices out of my head right now I'm too tired to do anything sigh I'm really sorry I'm a big time failure. hopefully I can get it out by tmr. on the other hand, I'm absolutely thankful for this long weekend. I have no where to go so I guess I'll be stuck at home with my kueh bahlu and my notes. sad kid. I'll just take this as a time to catch up with my work and practice hours and hours of piano I can't afford to screw up my exam.

everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they are right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. we will stay alive.

the way He works, the way He carries out His plan.. its beyond what words could express. all I can say is that, God is ever so amazing.

trg on wed was one of the most tiring one I was so close to giving up. we did timed sprints 200m, 8 sets altogether which means 32 laps of sprinting haha thinking of it I'm so glad I did it. you know the feeling of sprinting halfway and yr legs feels so numb it cant seem to kick anymore, and the ache goes up to the ribcage area and all the way to the joints in your arms.. but it pushes you to your limit you'll be surprised at how much you're able to do.

always in between dreams but is it real this time? it feels like assurance that I've never had in a long time.. it feels like love. tonight it feels like the whole world is quiet and all that is left is my heart. we're getting closer.

I know I should stop questioning. we dont need to have reasons for everything do we? I've been skipping sch for the past few days it didnt feel that good, and today when I decided to pluck myself up for school although I was alrdy very late, I ended up seeing the DP. and no matter how hard I try to focus on my studies after getting back the lousiest MSA results I'll end up dazing into space wondering how things are going out there. I need time alone. it hasn't been good, I spend most of my time thinking, thinking too much. end up cuddling up sobbing my hearts out, not feeling any better after that. we human beings are vulnerable afterall. be strong for ourselves alright? things would get better.

I'm terribly sorry to a person in particular, for all the mean things said. but I believe after this long talk you'll know that you're no less than any other, please dont give up and see yourself unworthy and unappreciated. some of us may be faster in swimming some of us may be better in ball handling some of us may have better understanding of the game play some of us may have the strength/fitness, the point is that all of us have our strong areas all of us play an important role. it was also during that time when I realised everyone has smth that's bothering them. be it studies, parents, teachers, peer pressure, it always gets in the way.

zhiyang asked me smth after chem lecture and I held back for awhile thinking of what to reply. I got so sad after that I cried. I could feel pieces of me crumbling that feeling wasnt nice at all. the msg that I sent out not long ago made me feel guilty I'm starting to feel scared. right now I wish things would get better each day. what more can I ask for? it's getting increasingly painful.

as much as I treasure my friends around me, I realise I tend to shut them out. I dont like it when they ask me stuff that I will never want to answer, or even hear. they dont know because I dont say. and I dont say because I know I will be sad and I dont wish to be like that. where is the courage? there will always be a boundary set. and after awhile I will just remain silent, lock myself inside and wander in my own world. I love it that way actually. if you think that you know me well enough through the times we've spent together or even through reading this space, then you're wrong. the fault lies in me, I fail to open myself up to people except for a few and that's only one or two. maybe one day things will change. maybe one day this picture becomes clearer. now it's all a blur. in the meantime I hope that I will become a better, stronger person.

to others, friends are the most important people in their lives they cant live without. family to them doesnt hold any meaning, home is just a place for shelter. this is so saddening. sometimes I wish I had the guts to ask them the reason why. no matter how broken the family is, I believe it's still a stronghold that pulls everyone together, to depend on, and the ones that will stand by you. these few days made me cherish my family even more, I love them so much. I felt like I was having a real holiday, a getaway. it was lovely to walk along the whole stretch of marina/esplanade/raffles at night, something that I never got to do. ate the nicest food ever at chijmes. stayed one night at mandarin, had a breakfast buffet in the morning, all was nice. we also had buffet at vienna and had marche.. really good.

2010 will be a tough year but I know I will pull through. I pray for perseverance, courage, and a whole lot of faith. and.. to be a happier person; for myself and those who care.

but why, let them go in the first place? this void of emptiness, it's too cruel.

today was a pretty well spent day. had MOF for lunch I love it to bits. after that I played table tennis, after a long time.. all's well, I've not lost touch and I'm glad I didn't. all of a sudden table tennis feels much more tiring than polo I wonder why. hmm.

rehearsal in church ytd ended at 1030pm. how do I put it.. one of those rehearsals that I wish I wasnt there? I could feel koon's patience exploding. same here, hate playing christmas songs, much more playing with a band.

anw I really should start studying for real. why am I doing everything else but studying? thinking of the shit I have to study for chem makes me want to puke. it's the last thing I would bring myself to study for but ironically it's the first I have to cos I totally suck at it. save me pls. and there's integration and all that crap pizzzzz I dont want to think about it anymore. how much time do I have left?

23rd: polo/buffet/movie

24th: ttennis/christmas party

25th: church/dinner

26th: tuition/italian/steamboat

27th: tuition/CG potluck

28th: polo

29th: clean the house day

30th: polo/airport/buffet

31th: panpacific/dinner/watchnight

1-2nd: hyatt

3rd: airport

4-6th: chalet

11 Jan 2010 back to school and I'm going to be so screwed. why can't I set my priorities right? I was never like that. what's happening can someone tell me?

I am so useless.